Lyberta, speaking as a concerned random dude on the Internet, who happens to have a family member who suffers from depression, and who happens himself to have mental issues -- I feel obligated to say that if you're having frequent suicidal thoughts, you really should get that looked at by a qualified professional.

I know that it sometimes feels bad -- like you're swallowing your pride -- to go to the head shrink dude (especially if one has trust issues with medical people, as my family member does) -- but, there's absolutely zero shame in asking for help when you need it (contrary to the opinion of some folks who themselves seem a bit off-kilter, if you ask me!) -- and, quite honestly, life really is worth living. By way of example -- I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to take a walk on a nice sunny fall day and enjoy the beautiful colors of the turning leaves, if I were in a pine box in a hole in the ground, dead as a stone -- I think my spirit would rather dearly miss those walks.

No, I'm not religious. I don't even have 'faith', AFAIK (I have more urgent and important things to do than contemplate the hypotheticals of What May Lie Beyond, TBH). No holy roller mission here -- promise -- just one dude with an opinion, trying to offer some free advice to a fellow human who sounds like they could use it. It's your life, though, and your choice. I wish you well on whatever path you take... just, "choose wisely, grasshopper!" -- as my mother sometimes says.

Having said all of that -- I'm not one to be pushy, and this is admittedly quite off-topic for this list -- so I'll stop here for now.